anna

anna is 12. today.

she is officially a young woman

and will be attending both the class

third hour of church

and girls camp this year.

and when did she grow up?

i look at her and can't help but think

how much she has grown and changed.

happy birthday girl!

where is that silly paper telling me i can drive?

i need it!

i want to talk to my sisters, not a clinical stranger.

i want to hang out. i want to forget all my worries.

i want to forget all time. i want to forgive myself.

i want to enjoy the warm water running down my face.

i want to appreciate the smoothness of the bow as 

it curves over strings pulled taut and as the dampers make 

contact with even larger strings.

i want to delegate. i want to ask questions.

i want to allow others to help. i want to be healthy.

i want to remember. i want to sew and create.

i need to want, i need to allow myself to want. i need to allow 

myself to carry out some of my wants, not the wants of others. i need to

listen to my body, and what it wants. i need to respect my desires. 

i know that i need this, and yet it is so hard for me to get past this. 

i know that in order for me to keep going i need to work on this. 

i need to face the facts of what i am dealing with and accept it.

i know all of that. i even know what i want, and most of the time

when i need to stop going. but this week has been hard to do just that.

hard to follow through with myself.

why must the internet be so slow and almost non existent? 

and just when i absolutely have to get work done?

last week

highlights from last week:

ben and jerry's cherry garcia frozen yogurt

dancing in the kitchen

violin

not so fun highlights:

missing hours of time

i've had a hard time finishing anything.

started a lot, but can't seem to complete any.

not able to tell when i'm done so 

i tried to do too much. 

but it's monday today. 

another week ahead,

so i'll try again.

siblings

i am perturbed with my siblings.

perturbed with all that they get away with,

with all that they don't do.

i need to get out of here!

lost

has anyone seen me recently?

i think i might be lost in the jungle of my life.

i've been having lots of long, stressful days.

while i like the pace and am doing better than a year ago,

i'm still not myself.

still not one hundred percent

still not completely here.

and that is hard for me.

hard for me to allow myself

to go back and admit that i've missed something

in a class, in a conversation.

it's hard for me to stop when i need to,

to tell others, to tell myself

when i have reached enough.

i am better about realizing when i am there

but i am am still having trouble giving it any thought.

how can i reach a level place?

when will i reach a level place?

'cause i really need to.

i know that much.