yesterday i had another job interview. i felt comfortable there, the children seemed to take to me quickly, and ten minutes into the meeting the owner was trying to put me on her schedule. and then that special time came up, and she hesitated. not because of the possibility of it happening in her school, around the children, but simply because she couldn't guarantee how the other teachers would respond. so instead of working this afternoon- really, she tried- she offered me a job starting in a couple weeks on the condition that the other infant teacher i would be working with is okay with it (so now i'm waiting on yet another phone call). even with this, though, the interview couldn't have gone any better.
i have met only one other someone who was so accepting of that, so quickly and unconditionally. and then i rode through the park as fast as i could, in the only direction i could keep- forward. didn't see where i was going, because all i could see were my tears. how many more times will i have to be "perfect, except"? how many more times will i have to tell them that i am more than qualified and excited for the job, but? how many more times will i have to turn someone down due to the mere time of night? how many more times will i question myself, hold back because of the possibility? how many more times will i have to go to bed not knowing if i will be aware tomorrow? how many more times will i have to ask for a ride, because i can't do such a task for myself? how many more times will someone pull away?
i'm actually quite well. i promise, i'm just asking questions. it would be nice to have some answers. but i know that now must not be the time and i am okay with that.
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