a little dain bramaged

a full heart.

2011-11-27T11:10:00.000-08:00

The Atonement that my Savior, Jesus Christ, has offered me is the single most glorious gift in my life. It is this gift, and the fact that He lives, that allow me to repent of my mistakes and give me the strength to have faith. It is through these that I know He loves me. I know that even in the darkest of my moments, I am not alone. And when I see only one set of footprints, I can be assured that I am not walking alone but that it is He whom is carrying me.

I am grateful to have been blessed with the knowledge of the Gospel. I am grateful to be living in a family and surrounded by friends who strive to live the principles therein. I am grateful to live in a country that is free, that allows agency for such worship. I am blessed and grateful to be working in an environment with people who, while their beliefs differ, respect my beliefs and teach of Christ, worshiping Him as our Savior. I am grateful for leadership, from my father, Bishop, Stake President, through the Prophet of God. I am blessed to have both the scriptures and modern revelation from God. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have to pray and to repent, at any time, in any place, and for anything. I am grateful for the House of the Lord, and that principles and ordinances therein. I am grateful for the commandments which God has given me to help me become more Christlike, more worthy to return to Him.

many. numerous. overwhelming. copious.

2011-08-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

Numerous, overpowering, copious, continuous, rife, umpteen.
Substitute whatever synonym you want- there is still so much.
And so many emotions with each.
love.
frustration.
anger.
laughter.
work.
opportunities.
doubt.
excitement.
smiles.
change.
then a continued abundance of the same.

But through it all, Christ is here with me. Holding me up, giving me the strength to take one more step. As I seek His help, I learn so much and have some of the most amazing experiences. School has started again, bringing with it lots of work and stress and lack of time. But accompanying school came multiple missionary opportunities and many gospel discussions. An excessive weight gain (and dealing with doctors) has reminded me how much I want a family of my own and gave the motivation to dig out and use my sewing machine. A camping trip to the beach with good friends became a discussion of life after death with a non member, and a chance to disconnect from the daily things of life. Having to recalibrate my contact with and reactions to her, brought the opportunity to strengthen my relationships with my younger siblings and him.

And a whole lot of questions. A lot of questions, longing, impatience.

Reminder to self:
Keep praying, every day. You'll get through it all stronger and your prayers will be answered.

I am so procrastinating.

2011-07-02T18:09:00.000-07:00

This was written as I was trying to make sense of the current essay I'm working on, though poetry and other essays (Elliot and Plato that will be on my midterm next week) was also on my mind. Good way to spend my time, right? By the way, the paper is a little over half way finished.

I have these random thoughts

Flying high through my head,

And they tend to be fairly distracting as I try to write this paper.

Thoughts of a boy, thoughts of my future

Thoughts, rather questions, of what I will do.

Thoughts about music and how I will lead it

Thoughts of how I will react when

That sweet, innocent, one asks me to do somethin'

And I must decline.

Thoughts about friends and sisters and abusive mothers.

Thoughts about cancer and seizures and death.

I know my existence is just that, a short moment in time.

But what all will happen?

And when will I know?

What will I do when I hit a road block-

For one surely will come.

How do the colors I chose for my quilt work?

They frayed and fought and tore at each other

Because they saw only the shadows of love

they would soon receive.

Now out of the cave they are soft and refined

All straight-edged and ready to move on to a greater being.

The television in the other room is no match for the food timer as it beeps,

She jumps up and races to turn it all off

Then forgets why it was on

Or just ignores the whole thing.

Sinatra blares back at me his words from a friend named Cole.

“You’re under my skin, I’ve got you deep in the heart of me”

Oh, but why?

Why is that stupid thing under my skin?

One click of a button and the music cuts off,

And the smoke detecter a reminder of our current mortality

Soon there will be none as the pizza and dishes go up in flames.

Now why is it important to feed ourselves fat?

Why must we talk, cook, and clean,

Care for the kiddiots and do not as we please?

More music, but Nickleback now

Crazy and dark, still though, sublime.

The moments are fleeing and daylight is leaving,

Rushing to beat me to my day’s end.

I don’t have one deep in my heart,

Not one comes to show himself, nor even to eat.

So why would I care for that thing under my skin?

Now what’s here is more written

And put altogether than the essay that should have been

Researched and fashioned.

But why do I care?

Now why is it under here, my skin?

Maybe the thought that an absolute grade this will show

May only be that of a distant near dream

For all that he cares is the thoughts that don’t come,

Of fast food, technology, and public responsibility.

Heck, why do I care? What good will it bring?

Oh right, for a grade that silly thing will consort.

2011-06-22T00:33:00.000-07:00

dad and holly's new house has an amazingly gorgeous yard. they may not like the house, but i fell in love with the backyard as soon as i stepped foot into it.

grass, a pond, and oh so many gorgeous flowers.

and i love me some lilies.

the best part, though, is that i don't have to take care of it.

actually, they don't have to either.

we'll see how long they can keep the dog out of the water.

______________________________________________________________

on a different note,

it was their wedding anniversary today.

a while ago dad had asked me to make some embroideries for him

(based on one i did a while back)

and i had time to finish them up just before the 21st.

all together

i just wish i had a background/ wall some solid color other than white to photograph them in front of. maybe that means i should start doing embroidery on a blue or grey linen instead.

_______________________________________________________________

i am crazy and am taking a class this summer.

i am already kicking myself in the butt...

the topic isn't my strongpoint, and the professor asks a lot.

it will take work, but i can do it.

only seven more classes and five essays left

and i can make it through that.
in a handful of weeks it will be over and done with, which is good.
the only thing i really don't like about it is that it means i can't go to fhe also.

_______________________________________________________________

i've been missing him a lot this week. actually, not him.

just the feeling of someone being here.

but that's okay because i can feel, and i recognize what i am feeling.

and then i can move past that and take another step forward.

last weekend was a mix of shitty crap and exuberance.

why do i have to have the extremes? i just want to be average, happy, in the middle.

and nobody answers their phones when i actually need to, want to, talk.

just saying.

but i'm not average. yes, i am single right now. and i may be lonely at times.

but i am hot. i am sexy. i am determined.

and the world is a beautiful place because i am in it.

well, me and those lilies.

memories

2011-05-21T08:05:00.000-07:00

one of my roommates is graduating this weekend and a large group of her family is here. our apartment is filled with people so much like our craziness.
and i love it.
then someone walked by my room and all i could smell were stale cigarettes and chocolate. and all of the memories and emotions came flooding back.
the time spent with my aunt putting together puzzle pieces.
her "scolding" tj and me for doing too much of the puzzle, and then ordering us to finish it so we could start another.
our childish pleads with her to stop smoking, because we weren't allowed to.
the hours spent playing with shamoo and mickey.
her me-we's, all of her stories and songs.
her patience as she taught me card games over and over and over again.
the hours she and i spent talking about jake and the construction guys who lived in her head.
about the way she perceived religion, death, life.
her teaching me to love avocados, just because i said they weren't my favorite.
the times i cried in her arms, her just holding me and allowing the quiet and tears to be.
the conversations we had that helped so much in my growth, in me realizing who i am and what i can do. static and balloons and laughter all over the place, even just a short few years ago.
the late nights spent on her bed talking, laughing, scheming.
all of the plans we made to travel to exotic lands- washington dc, nebraska, arkansas. africa, china, the netherlands. each of the places my young mind couldn't imagine.

then the weeks i spent studying for my finals, at her side all night so that my grandmother could try to rest.

the afternoon when i had my sisters near and could allow myself to be vulnerable.
and sadness that i felt during the minutes in which her body lay still and racked with illness, simply willing her sprit to leave its decaying form.
the anger and resentment i held because there was nothing, nothing at all that i could do.
the apathy, the strength that i forced upon myself again for so long afterward.
the love that i had for her over so many years, all accumulated into a few moments.
and in just one more moment, it was all here again.
the love, the sadness, the excitement.
and the hurt, the tears, the joy.
to overwhelm me for a moment, to remind me of her.
oh, how i miss her.
i loved her while she was here.
and i love her still.

so.

2011-05-20T15:31:00.000-07:00

yesterday i had another job interview. i felt comfortable there, the children seemed to take to me quickly, and ten minutes into the meeting the owner was trying to put me on her schedule. and then that special time came up, and she hesitated. not because of the possibility of it happening in her school, around the children, but simply because she couldn't guarantee how the other teachers would respond. so instead of working this afternoon- really, she tried- she offered me a job starting in a couple weeks on the condition that the other infant teacher i would be working with is okay with it (so now i'm waiting on yet another phone call). even with this, though, the interview couldn't have gone any better.

i have met only one other someone who was so accepting of that, so quickly and unconditionally. and then i rode through the park as fast as i could, in the only direction i could keep- forward. didn't see where i was going, because all i could see were my tears. how many more times will i have to be "perfect, except"? how many more times will i have to tell them that i am more than qualified and excited for the job, but? how many more times will i have to turn someone down due to the mere time of night? how many more times will i question myself, hold back because of the possibility? how many more times will i have to go to bed not knowing if i will be aware tomorrow? how many more times will i have to ask for a ride, because i can't do such a task for myself? how many more times will someone pull away?

i'm actually quite well. i promise, i'm just asking questions. it would be nice to have some answers. but i know that now must not be the time and i am okay with that.

Do you see THIS?

2011-05-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

pretty please, don't look at all the stitching and piecing too closely.
but do look at this.

it was brought to life a year ago, though has been in pieces ever since.
little by little it has slowly come together. a little here, a little there.
i worked. then i went to school. then i fulfilled my callings. then i sang. and all sorts of other things got in the way. but here it is, on my bed. completely finished.

and it all came down to this one line of fabric.

this alone has taken me a month to do, but it is done. i have made a lot of mistakes. i have picked out a lot of them, and left a lot. i have learned even more. and it is done!

now... what colors/ design for the next one?

divine comedy

2011-04-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

i've procrastinated enough and should go finnish at least one paper tonight.
but i've laughed a lot, and that has to count for something, right?

in the spirit of school...

just funny.

maybe this last one is that funny.
maybe it is just the mood i'm in.
either way i was crying from laughing by the end of this.

and i think i want a shoulder angel.

good reminders

2011-04-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

I have had some very good conversations this week, and have loved every minute.
The laughs, the smiles, the teasing, the questions, the harder moments.
They have all been good.
So many plants are budding, and I love watching them.
They are wonderful reminders to me of my Heavenly Father's love for me, and for each of His children here.

So. good reminders. This has been one of my favorites for a while, and always will be.

"Just The Way You Are"

And a friend just showed me this one. How had I not seen it before?

"Her Morning Elegance"

I am so greatful for each reminder that I have, and for the opportunities I have to share them with others.
I am greatful for the kind people around me, who love me more than I can imagine.
I am greatful for the gospel, and for the lessons that my parents taught.
I am greatful to my Savior, for making the way clear for me to return to Him.
I am greatful for modern day prophets and for the Priesthood power that is available in our lives.
And I am greatful for the smiles and laguhter of His little children.

jackets

2011-03-10T17:47:00.000-08:00

All of my sweatshirts and good jackets are too worn out, way too short (length and sleeves!) or way huge on me -not to mention that most don't have a hood. I just want one really comfy, nice looking jacket- that truly fits. Have I told you how much I LOVE this sweatshirt jacket?

I probably wouldn't chose yellow, but I love the design.

I have this thing about hoods, as they tend to keep my big ears warm.

This is a jacket that Jessica at Running with Scissors made.

By the way, she has extra long arms too. She used McCall's M5525...

then she added the hood and lengthened the arms.

I'm not sure I'm that talented.

But I love it. Just a thought.

2011-02-03T11:37:00.001-08:00

i have a fun lab tomorrow. and i hate being sick.

2011-01-23T17:50:00.000-08:00

i got to go to church in my ward today! there were some thoughtful gospel discussions today and i enjoyed that, and i met my new visiting teachers. but i also got some ~~unhappy~~ disturbing news. and while i know that i need to forgive him and go on with my life, i am upset. dangnabit, i'm mad at him. i just hope that he doesn't hurt her also.

Bloody fantastic!

2011-01-20T23:31:00.000-08:00

Emily shared this article with another friend. And then I stole it. so go read it. As Hannah said, it was "bloody fantastic!"

The last few days have been hard, both physically and mentally. Others around me have commented multiple times this week about my arms shaking (aka I'm getting too close to having another seizure) so hopefully laying low this weekend will help. I'm choosing to blame it on the last month of crazies that i put myself through, and hoping that the time I spent with family won't completely backfire on me.

School; I'm ready to be in the thick of classes and work again. I have cautious optimism in regards to getting the last class I need. 4 more days until I know for sure. I'm glad that I can go to my own ward this week. And institute starts again!

just found this

2011-01-05T16:02:00.000-08:00

i just found this 2011 calendar. so creative, so cute, so much more than i can do right now. and she's giving it away, to everyone. for free. love it.

gramma afternoon

2011-01-05T15:26:00.000-08:00

after sending the kiddos next door for some gramma and papa spoil time, i sat and watched a movie. not something i would have chosen normally, but why not? it was pretty silly, and i was laughing my pants off by the time it was over. i probably won't watch it ever again, but it got me thinking. (yea, i know. kind of tacky. but really, it did.) it got me thinking about where i am at, what i am doing. thinking about my plans for the future- both near and far. thinking about the things i want to do and the places i want to travel to. while this list is abundant, there is one thing i want right now. i think i am at a place where it is healthy for me to do this, and i think that i am ready for it. yea, i'm a little scared. scared about what i will do when we change again and go separate ways. scared about the possibilities and my personal insecurities. but i know that i won't get the answers to these until i try. until i put myself out there. until i allow myself to be more open, more trusting of others.

but how do i start?

by the way, i am in love with bb's open space! the kiddos ran back and forth and in circles all morning, just basking in it. i think that this was a good compromise instead of their stairs. i can't wait until we tear out the other walls- it is going to be wonderful!

day after

2010-12-26T20:46:00.000-08:00

ok. so there's been lots of food and a fair amount of music. but i forgot about this group. they are one of my favorite acapella groups, so i'm not sure how. anyhoo, this is one of my favorite nonreligious Christmas medleys. enjoy.

Merry Christmas and have a safe new year.

Christmas!

2010-12-25T12:33:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas! This is always my favorite part of the year. The traditions, the family, the laughter. Even with the tensions between me and parents, we can put aside some of them and enjoy the time together.

This morning I am reminded of the endless blessings with my brother gave me, and continues to give me every day. As the fun and excitement of presents died down I was able to take some time for myself. A rush of emotions flooded over me. Emotions of gratitude, of love. I am thankful for the atonement, the ability to be forgiven of my sins whenever I need to. For the resurrection and the knowledge that I will be able to see Him again. The knowlege that this life is not the end. I am grateful for the health that I have been blessed with. For the strength to continue on, even in the darkest of times. And I am thankful for my sisters. The people who continually push me, encourage me to do better. And I am grateful for the close friends that I have who support me each day.

I am looking forward to this coming week; bb and sue and lots of nieces/ nephews.

webcam pics!

2010-12-14T21:29:00.000-08:00

i have a webcam now, so you get pics. granted they have no quality, but it's something.
today I...
sewed.
listened to Christmas music.
made cookies for visiting teaching sisters.
read visiting teaching message for dec.
sewed.
listened to Mo Tab.
went to institute for lunch.
watched Mo Tab's WWI Christmas broadcast from a few years ago.
visit taught/talked with one of my girls.
sewed.
listened to Christmas music.
made dinner -chicken salad sandwiches with curry and apricot jam. yumm!
sang along with Christmas music.
sewed.
folded finished sewing to take with me tomorrow.
here is part of the back of the unquilted quilt all folded. the back is a larger patchwork.

this is only 1/4 of the top (it's folded), but you can see the basic pattern.

here is the embroidery that will go on the edge or corner. haven't decided yet. apparently webcams reflect everything. you get the idea- i like me some embroidery.

and do you see the art in the corner? that's my new painting of Christ that I am in love with. haven't found a nice frame for it yet.

tomorrow i get to...

write my final essay for child lit.
have lunch at institute bld.
talk quilting, probably start pinning.

having a lot of mixed emotions, but this has been a good distraction.
night all.

for the record

2010-12-04T13:13:00.000-08:00

i am trying really hard to exercise whenever i can, and owning up to someone helps motivate me. it is also nice to have the inside workout stuff since it is so wet here (and you will NOT get me out running when it is pouring rain).

today exercise:
treadmill
speed 3.9
incline 3
time 30 min.
water: 10 oz when exercising, 25 oz so far total.

it's beginning to look like Christmas

2010-12-03T23:00:00.000-08:00

That's right, it is beginning to look like Christmas. The 2' fake tree is out with a handful of smaller decorations, and i have been cutting and reshaping felt. A wreath is on the door; I had a lot of fun making this one. Instead of a glue gun I used straight pins to hold the red cover on, so you can see the metal heads around the edge and added a tan flower kind of like this one. a banner was also made, "Tis the Season". white freehanded letters on red blocks, star at the end. my picture of Christ was also hung (though i'm still looking for a frame for it...). the only thing left to do is to pick up the felt scraps that are littered throughout the apartment- on every surface. who wants to come clean and dance to Christmas songs with me?

Christmas hummingbirds

2010-11-28T22:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was so good. Had some decent hours with mom, then spent a bunch of time at polly's, which was great.lots of Christmas decor up, and kids running around, cuddles from beckett. I don't think that i ever questioned God as to why such bad things have to happen to such good people. I have this weekend. Will forever watch the sky for hummingbirds, two now, together.

heads up

2010-11-25T16:36:00.000-08:00

just so you know, grandma officially refused the trip to michigan (again). dad didn't push it, and i'm guessing that this will be the last time it is really talked about. i'm disappointed because i was looking to seeing everyone, but we will not be flying this year. we'll let uncle rick know this evening, and you can pass on the info to the cousins.

that stupid thing called scheduling

2010-11-24T21:34:00.000-08:00

i actually said crap in front of my mother. and she didn't flip.

tonight i hate scheduling. for the most part it is okay and helps to get everything done, without too many problems. that is, until i happen to double book. how can i do so when i try so hard to plan so little during the holidays? not sure, but it happened.

i knew that baking weekend would either be the first or second weekend of december, so i didn't plan anything for those, and then i heard talk that sue's thing might be on the second weekend. a month ago i was asked to sing in a quartet for a Christmas program on the second weekend. at this point i was still thinking that bw was on the first, so i agreed. i just realized that when i found out it was really going to be the second the dates didn't click. now i have two things the same weekend, too far away from each other. i can't ask someone else to step in for the music, because it is in two weeks and we've been practicing for a month already. but i can't imagine not going to tulare because it is also the one time every year that i know i will be able to see ALL of my sisters.

but i don't have a car or any other way of being back in chico by sunday afternoon. how did this happen? and how did i actually not realize the problem sooner than this?

i don't know where or what i will be doing the last two weeks of december. nobody has convinced grandma to go to michigan yet, so that is still up in the air (better not be for much longer... we need tickets!). and because of not knowing that, i can't plan anything else for sure. which makes seeing everyone harder... sue needs to come to bb's for a weekend of writing while i am there in jan (and i WILL be!)- starting to think that is the best next option.

the only upside- now i'll have something to think about in the middle of the night when i can't sleep anyways.

Christmas

2010-11-16T17:02:00.000-08:00

I am the first to admit that I am in a bit of a creative slump. Not to mention a budget. All of the really cute, fun thing I want to do are either for infants (jj, hurry up and be another 3 or 4 months along so i know what sex your child will be!) or require some purchasing of materials.

Oh well.

Then last week a birdie told me that Luke & Charlie are getting a puppet stage. Between clases I happened to stick my head into one of the many, many vendors who were here today. And he had a ton- really, a ton- of knitted and crocheted finger puppets. Every animal and person you can imagine, and you could tell they were handmade by some of the imperfections and differences between them. But what i loved the most was the amount of detail in each. So... Lots for L & C, and a moo moo for Beckett. I was a kid in a candy store this afternoon! I even got something special for me- a gorgeous, original oil panting of Christ. I'll try to get a camera this month, because words can't describe my love and the beauty in this one.

My wishes for a good week for you.

Choices

2010-11-15T23:04:00.000-08:00

I'm not too fond of choices right now. At least not when there are so many good options, but only so many hours. I want so badly to spend time with my sisters. But I still feel like I have obligations to others. (I know, I know. I'm working on it!)

Why do choices have to be made? Why is agency such an important thing?

Thanksgiving- do I travel on one of the worst days of the year to spend two days with bb?
Do I make mom happy by going to nc and have dinner with her family? Do I say no to my family and serve thanksgiving dinner at the homeless shelter here? Or do I say no to everyone and have a quiet couple days here, with me?

Christmas- do I fly with grandma to Michigan? When, and for how long? Do I go back to nc for a couple days, or go straight to bb's? Bb, do you want me to be there the first 2 weeks, or the second and third? Do you even want me to be around that long? Do I go to bb's one week and then sue's one week? Do I scrap all plans and take a course in January? Or go job hunting again? Do I set aside a week to see doctors, or stay with my pledge to do away with most of them (and only see two)? Ok, that last one doesn't really have a point to it; the answer is already decided. No opinion needed there, but for all other questions, opinions are much ~~appreciated~~ needed.

Why? What? When? Answer my questions for me! Or at least give me a hint, please!

Oh, to be six again

2010-11-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when you were little and would shake trees so that it would rain colors? Or jumping in the piles of said colors after dad raked them? Leftover dresses from events so long ago that wearing them makes you feel grown up? Or making up silly little games with friends that went on for days? Mapping out your lives for the next 2 years, which then was eternity? Or as you grew s little bit older, talking with a girlfriend/sister -secret!- about which boys at school were cute, then planning the weddings? Giggling long into the night over nothing?

'enry 'iggins and glorious food

2010-11-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

just you wait 'enry 'iggins, just you wait. you'll be sorry but your tears will be too late. you'll be broke and i'll have money. will i help you? don't be funny. just you wait 'enry 'iggins, just you wait!

in this case marijuana won't be (isn't) legal. and the state will still be poor. and full of tears. and want help. but i will have my voice back.

ok, so i've had a slight problem with being upset and not speaking today. just waiting for the moment that i can again. while contemplating this upcoming event (and the fact the the musical theater competition show thing isn't in fact for my fair lady but for oliver twist) this song has been going through my head. a lot.

oh 'enry 'iggins, just you wait!

great. now i have little boys in my head asking for food. please sir, i want some more. they're sitting under the carts as eliza sings and dances through the street.

oliver twist has asked for more! food, glorious food. what wouldn't we give for that extra bit more- beautiful food, glorious food. oh 'enry 'iggins!

2010-11-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

Happy halloween! And happy birthday to little bro Joseph and Grandma! As is the fashion in our home now, there is no halloween celebration. Instead, we eat birthday cake and open presents. And then we play with said presents (because we got them so we could play with them, right?!). And eat more cake. Very much away from family tradition, Joseph also had a kid party. We ended ip renting the gymnastics building and one of their coaches for a couple hours. That was fun for me because the coach (scrawny, athletic, teacher's pain in the ***, flirt, friend) and I were good friends in high school and haven't seen each other in a couple of years, so we were able to catch up. Wait, how did time go so quickly? I just got out of there! Anyhoo,the kids got to run and jump and swing and be wild. And nobody had to clean their house before or after. With tradition we had family dinner Sunday night, which was really Grandma's "party". Missed everyone who was not there...

I finished my book this week. It feels so good to have it done! It went over fairly well with the kids (ok, so well people had to pry it closed so that they could sing happy birthday to Joseph, after which he finished it). That pretty much made my day. Hopefully my instructor will like it that much also. We'll see- judgement day is in two days.

I am sick. Been trying to fight off something for a week or so, but finally gave in this weekend. Cold, with a cough that scrapes your esophagus every time you are forced to cough. General achyness, icky sinuses. Tired and paranoid. Stay away from me- if not for yourself, for my sanity.

The city changed some of the bus routes and it was implemented today. I was very excited as on paper the new route took the old routes that I used and made it into one, also cutting the time in half. Let's just say that while Heavenly Father answered one prayer, He also wanted to remind me of patience, and that all things are done according to His will and timing, not mine. I waited for 3 hours. No busses came anywhere close to the route schedule, nor in the right direction (supposedly, every 15 min). Completely missed institute. Oh well, tomorrow is another day, right?

i should be working

2010-10-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

I should be working, but what fun is that? I am working on the illustrations for a book that I had to write for one of my classes. The due date happened to coincide with Joseph's birthday and his request, so I relinquished myself to the crazies and am doing two copies instead of just one. Part of the story involves Scamp (Chicago, our dog) and got me thinking about my pups. It's been some time since I've seen this guy, Larson.

And this guy, Sampson.

These are the only pictures I have (the two I liked least- ironic, isn't it?) at the moment, but all the pups have been running through my head. Dorice, Larsen, Metro, Pete, Sarajane, Sampson. I've kept in contact with a few of their owners, and hear from them every once in a while. I think I miss them! My future husband better like dogs...

Needless to say, I'm going back to work. I have to have at least one of these done in less than 24 hours.

Summary

2010-10-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

After my questions this morning, I did nothing. Actually, that's not true- I enjoyed the junk food within reach, watched a movie, slept a bit.

Then I picked up my sorry self off the couch and sewed. Did the 6 in lengthening that I needed on my dress. It is the " Women's Trapunto Dress" from target, in black. The dress I have was another 3 in shorter on me than it is on their model, but I fixed that. I thought of just doing a gathered stitch on the top of the panel and making a frill of sorts, but ended up doing the same thing that is at the bottom of the dress already, a bunch of stripes (go look at the ad). It turned out pretty dang good if I do say so myself. I didn't have a sash either, so I made one out of some of the leftover fabric.

Then I went for a walk. Initially it was going to be a run, but the 90* weather disagreed. So sewing, an hour and a half walk, dishes, shower, talked to a great friend. All done. And I feel great. Plus I can wear my dress tomorrow!

Is it bad?

2010-10-09T10:33:00.000-07:00

Prefix:
I am great.
I have been productive, active, friendly.
I have done everything I am supposed to do.
I am happy, emotionally stable.

Question:
Is it bad that all I want to do today is sit in my pajamas on the couch, eat potato chips, and watch movies?
Is it bad that the material sitting in front of me is giving no motivation to finnish the project at hand?
Is it bad that I've been yearning for an iron so that i can finally alter one of my favorite dresses to fit, and now that I have one, I could care less about it?
Is it bad that I don't want to go running, like I wanted to yesterday?
Is it bad that I don't want to do laundry which I love folding when it is warm still?
Is it bad that I don't want to do this week's homework so that it is already done?
Is it bad that I feel pretty much nothing today?

Real question:
Is it bad, or am I actually experiencing a weekend?

random thoughts

2010-09-29T19:17:00.000-07:00

the title is a fair warning. lots going on in my head, with pretty much no order. so...
today i made banana chocolate chip bread. it is so yummy when warm, cool, or anytime in between. i sat and did nothing while i enjoyed some of it- er, a lot of it- and just relaxed.
thought about a lot. didn't think about a lot of things i should have thought about.
bought some new jeans. i found some in aeropostale -of all places!- that are long enough and didn't break what is left of my bank.
i'm having a hard time feeling crafty. usually it is one of the few things that i can do which actually allows me to chill and let go, but the last couple weeks have been different. maybe it's just the fact that i will only allow myself to sew the squares for my quilt- a long way from being done. maybe my mind needs to give that a break. i started it this summer with the hope that it would have been done when i moved here in august, which, plainly enough, didn't happen. so it can wait another 3 months to be finished, right? maybe some felt circles instead.
i have to give a presentation about children's books- genre specific, fantasy. next tues. and i have absolutely no idea what to do. any ideas? becky and/or andrea- you are both authors, homeschool moms, and a professors. what can i do that is creative, entertaining to adults who wish they were still kids, and get actual information about the genre across in 20 min? i am having such a hard time with this. haven't in the past. shouldn't now. but i do. so start the ideas a-comin'.
i need to see my sisters. i need to spend quality time with them. phone calls are nice, but aren't a good substitute, an watching kids for 8 hours while one of said sisters is puking in the other room doesn't cut it. i need a good weekend with just us, talking, bonding, crafting, goofing off. i believe that classes are canceled the entire week of thanksgiving... so mark your calendars.
water just boiled over and cheese bread burned.
i'm off.

Thankful

2010-09-19T21:34:00.001-07:00

Today I am thankful for all of the good days that I have, and for such good people to share them with!

productivity

2010-09-18T17:33:00.000-07:00

All too often our society measures productivity on how many things we can cross off of our lists. some days that is fine for me, but others i know have to be measured differently.

Thursday was a day where i could cross things off. A's on a test and an essay, found password to use for upgrades on laptop, played with a handwriting recognition prgram, helped Joseph with homework over the phone. Made zucchini bread and enchaladas, washed lots of dishes, cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, talked to landlord (got old trash compactor cleaned!).

Aside from putting away a couple boxes, yesterday and today were not one of those nice, happy days. I'm out if minute on my phone, so send me money or don't call. Nothing personal, i promise. Received the lovely, gorgeous monthly gift from mother nature -not on schedule, still, and with massive cramps which bb has no concept of. Loaded updates on my laptop, only to find it overloaded and unresponsive now. Woke up on the floor of the kitchen the morning after I had been doing dishes. Headache, pretty sore. No idea where the 14- 18 hours went. Crawled into bed, sleep another 16 hours. Remembered to call Dr. J after his office had closed. Have discovered more welts forming on my arm as I type this. Just want to eat, no energy to stand and make something so all I found was sugared c-r-a-p. I finally finished the essay I had to do and was trying to Finnish then last assignment that I had for this week. But no, that website won't recognize my email or password, so I can't get in to do that.

I think I'm going to go back and curl up again. Oh yea, I can't measure all my days by crossing things off of the productivity list. What about the things to not do list?

2010-09-12T23:25:00.000-07:00

i just realized that yesterday was the 11th.

which means it's been three years.

three years

of tears, of misunderstandings.

of trials, of fighting, of frustrations.

of doctors, of unwanted visits

of moments, hours of hopelessness.

of information not retained,

of so many hours lost.

of wanting to be wanted, of searching,

of bowing to anyone who would

give me the time of day.

of questions, insecurity, lost of trust.

but more importantly, it's been three years

of growing.

of finding a place where i can grow.

of admitting the problems, of facing them.

of learning how to allow others to help.

of finding my medium, my best moments.

of temple trips, of strengthening my testimony.

i am far from perfect. i know that.

but i am learning how to work around it,

how to work with it.

i am at merely the beginning of this long road

and i know that everything from the past

will surface again, or is here still. and that is okay.

just bear with me in my moments of floundering.

i will continue on

i am continuing on.

one step at a time

with one set of footprints left behind.

2010-09-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

sorry about the rant, i was pretty wound up last night. i made some more phone calls, talked to some more people. but this morning i had fun pulling up the carpet (how often do you get to do that in a rental??) and said problem room is almost dry now. i just have to remember to check it once a week to see if it happens again!

i have a sewing machine! even if it clunks and even if is whines, it runs. so last night after i could do no more, and today while waiting around, i sewed. it is such a great therapy. even when the machine stops, it gives me something else to think about. and now, maybe, i can make some progress on this quilt.

dear landladies

2010-09-10T20:03:00.000-07:00

first of all, i'm glad you like me. i'm glad that you haven't (yet) told me to shove off when i've come into your office 3 times in one afternoon. i'm a little scatter-brained, but you understand that. thank you for being so willing to help us (aka do your job). thank you for getting us into the new apartment so quickly.

however, there is one problem.
we did not pay the rent so that i could come home to a broken shower head and water in my face.
we did not pay rent so that we could chase endlessly at a multitude of bugs, or pull them out of food.
we are not paying rent to move everything again so someone can spray said bugs (and then deal with them for another 1 to 3 weeks!).
we are not paying rent for a closet that is now completely unusable- water damage is not good- no wonder the carpets were just replaced. we are not paying rent so that my scrapbooks, music, and other things in said closet could be ruined. there is now mold on a bunch of stuff, including the door. a week ago everything looked clean and was dry.

you fixed the shower so quickly, and i appreciate that. you are working on the bugs, and i appreciate that. your office was closed when i discovered the water and mold, and i do not appreciate that. i'm just hoping that someone will be around tomorrow.

i guess i just have to remind myself that we are paying rent to have 4 walls and a roof that keeps the rain out. those have been working, and i must thank you for that.

2010-09-01T19:54:00.000-07:00

colors, burning, radiating, stretching.
twisting, spreading, sharing, saving.
seasons changing, running
ever colliding.
morphing, growing, teaching.
popping, full of awe, mystery
blinding electricity.
questions never answered
birds' songs
floating, delving deeper.
frosty blanket
soothing, comforting, supporting
without hesitation. beating
always, forever, eternity.
one moment stranded in time
holding all future endeavors
wishes, dreams, fantasies
above the canyon.
laying in wait for the day to end
forever anticipating the moment
letting go, flying low.

2010-08-20T14:28:00.001-07:00

what to do, what to do?

modern conveniences

2010-08-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

there are so many things that we take for granted. modern transportation. multitudes of books and learning material. global communication. health. a little- or lot- of food for dinner each night. a roof over our heads. at this moment i have paused, and need to outwardly thank my Father in Heaven for all of the many, many blessings that i have.

the last week i have pretty much lived on the bus, getting to know the routes and areas around town. or i've been trying to. and i have taken each of these conveniences for granted. so, Heavenly Father, thank you. i need to be a little more patient. i have access to the internet at the school, but am still waiting to hear back about getting it in the apartment. so until then, deep breath. pay my bills here on campus. buy books for classes. get back on the bus.

first adventure

2010-08-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

this morning was spent turing in applications, filling out more applications, and handing out resumes. and trying to catch a bus. or, more realistically, trying to find a bus. even with all the stops and different routes, i managed not to see a bus for a couple hours. when i finally did get onto one, it was going in the wrong direction. At least they just make a circle, and i ended up back where i started. then after walking (and handing out more resumes) back towards home, i was pretty hot, sweaty, and i'm sure i looked pathetic. but then a group of nice bums approached me, asking if i wanted to sleep there, under the bridge with them. really, was there any way that i looked THAT bad?

it's 4 am

2010-08-09T04:10:00.000-07:00

did you get a hint from the title?

that's right, i'm still, or rather, again

not sleeping.

isn't there an old song about 4 am or some other wee morning hour?

in the last week and a half i've had a total of 6 1/2- 7 hours

2 of which i was blessed to have earlier tonight.

who really needs that much in one night anyway?

needless to say, counting backwards from 100

nor reading scriptures

nor just laying there for hours on end

have made a difference.

this afternoon i had one of my bad headaches, also common.

most days i can push through them, fulfilling my daily tasks and nobody notices.

i think tonight i kind of blew up...

when tj has anything semi- uncomfortable

she makes it to the world. at least to everyone in the house.

if she isn't happy, then nobody can be either.

i realize that she, or anybody for that matter,

doesn't have much of an idea how or what i feel

on a daily basis, or on my worst days.

i know that even if they did, there isn't much they could do.

but is it too much to ask that tj doesn't complain about a headache

that she gets like clockwork, every sunday?

is it too much to ask that my family simply

join me in NOT complaining about their aches and pains?

please, just one day. that would help.

2010-08-07T18:14:00.001-07:00

last night was wonderful. I was able to hang out with my friends- able to ignore reality for a few hours, just relaxing with great food and great people. then my best friend stayed over and we talked until way early. which was good. no, it was great- what i needed. and we wrote this. and now, when I am not utterly and completely sleep deprived, i still support. I don't really care if anyone here reads it, but every current and future male missionary needs to. and then this morning pandora has reminded me of many a memory with multiple versions of "somewhere over the rainbow", my favorite being by Israel 'IZ' Kamakawiwo'ole. while not many of the things on my list have been completed, i am satisfied with today. now off to finnish the primary lesson i'm teaching tomorrow.

when?

2010-07-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

the last six months or so

i have been watching many of my friends

grow up, some more quickly than i'd like for myself

with recent marriages, many an engagement

and always a boy on their arms.

but then i pause. i'm almost 20. how crazy is that?

and while i can do without a marriage proposal

anytime soon, i can't help but wonder.

when will it be my turn? when will i be able to cry

on his shoulder with his arm around me?

when will we walk hand in hand

laughing and just enjoying each other's company?

when will we talk for hours on end, just because we can?

when will we cuddle and when will be there for each other?

when will i see the signs of trouble and ignore them all

in the name of silly, immature love?

when will he break my heart

and then, will i get over it?

when will it be my turn to be in love?

i think i'm ready. maybe.

by the way, go check out the new Nevada City Ward family history blog here. i'm having fun with it. maybe dad will convince me to get more involved by the time i'm done with this... again, maybe.

and another side note, did i mention that i had another tc last week? this one at work. great times. that makes it 3 tc's in 7 weeks- for me, not wonderful. i have an appt. with the neuro in a week and a half, so we'll see what he has to say about them.

is it sad that i'm hoping for a letter from a missionary? we emailed very consistently before he left, and wrote every week since he was in the mtc. and now, nothing. did i say something? is he just busy? i think i'm a little to attached to his writing.... was that enough additions to my original post? i bet i could think of another one. but i'll save you all from that misfortune. goodnight.

2010-07-17T23:46:00.000-07:00

this last month i have been doing very well, at least emotionally. i have laughed a lot.

i have let the little things go. i am happy. legitimately happy.

2010-07-14T18:33:00.000-07:00

prayer.

a simple thanks

a plea for help.

in a formal prayer

or just a thought

the Lord hears them all.

please add the Theobald family

to your prayers. they need every blessing!

survival 101

2010-07-13T23:20:00.000-07:00

here are the basics needed to survive in minnesota.

1. don't stay in minneapolis. no matter how wonderful the mall of america is said to be (it is pretty cool) it's not worth the humidity. go find a nice lake instead.

2. don't bother with bug spray. that only helps with mosquitoes. 90% of the time its something else that is biting, and 95% of the time spray only makes you gag when you go to lick a yummy sauce from your finger and remember that you have bug (and taste bud) poison on. the mosquitoes bite you anyway- they don't seem to mind it at all.

3. midwestern drivers are crazy. ignore any and all speed limit signs or you won't last long. semis don't have a problem going 85 mph on little dirt roads, or over one lane bridges. nobody stops, so you'd better go faster.

4. if you are visiting family, don't be surprised if 70-80% of the town (and often the surrounding ones) are somehow your relatives. even people who definitely have no relation will find a relation.

5. if it's fried, it's good.

the last week was wonderful. had a blast with family, ate tons of food, and laughed. a lot.

tonight i was greeted by a slug, a scorpion, tons of spiders, a broken fan, and a door that won't latch. i must be home!

who's there?

2010-07-03T22:47:00.000-07:00

so... initially i thought that only polly, becky, and kirtee read my rants. just out of curiosity, does anyone else hang around? please tell me who you are! leave a comment, send me an email. who pays attention?

the first part of this week was great, and then the rest was full of crap. i'm praying that the next week and a half i'll be blessed not to have any surprises!

mail

2010-06-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

guess what came yesterday from dmv? yep, that's right. the official license. not that i can use it for another 6 months, but it's in my possession (aka no more paperwork then)! insert evil laugh here.

21

2010-06-21T19:51:00.001-07:00

dear mom and dad

happy anniversary!

21 years...

as tj said

thank you for getting

married and getting busy.

i love you!

three letter words

2010-06-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

everyone said that mormon girls still get married way early.

a few years ago, as a naive teenager

i didn't really think that it still happened on a regular basis

but that it was more of a cliche.

that is, until i started going to the singles branch where, even here-

in the middle of nowhere, not mormon central-

there is a wedding every month. and almost without exception

(we've had 2 who were 24 and 25), she is under 23.

wow. and then i was thinking, why would someone do that?

i always considered myself someone who could potentially be wed at a younger age

and now i'm almost opposed to it. but then that three letter word keeps popping up.

you know which one. sex. that one. and i realize how desperate some of us think we are.

how we are so often wrong. and how easily we could change the cliche.

how even though the immediate reasoning is fairly mortal,

the action is so important. and each girl who waits until she is married

even young, is waiting so much longer than the average girl now.

how even in the church, how many marriages are cut short of eternity.

how each of us is mortal. how i am mortal.

with just as many mortal tendencies as so many other girls.

that is kind of scary. and potentially very close. wow.

today's thoughts

2010-06-18T00:06:00.000-07:00

today was hard. and good. and discouraging. and full of progress- and setbacks. and some much needed sleep. i guess it was pretty much full of life. laundry and cleaning and organizing at polly's. physical therapy- i'm doing better! and more deep cleaning (1 1/2 hours of scrubbing 1 of 3 counters). i am never ceased to be amazed at how much crap is stuck all over the surfaces in her house. no wonder her boys have good immune systems. then this evening was spent looking at apartments in chico, and trying to figure out the layout of the area.

2010-06-16T18:39:00.001-07:00

guess who i got a letter from today? dmv. allowing me to drive again. i am really mixed at the moment. happy, confused, frustrated, excited, hopeful, fed up. a lot of mixed feelings on a lot of different levels, towards a lot of different subjects.

and guess what the puppy ate tonight? a full pound of bacon, and 4 grease soaked paper towels. great, i know. for all you anti dog sisters, there are very viable reasons not to have a dog (this is one) so sometimes i have to agree with you. and that's coming from me.

scrambled thoughts, days, possibilites

2010-06-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

i have a massive headache tonight. had a long day, then came home (to polly's). cleaned a bit, tried to write a paper that is due just about now. there is so much going through my head, but i can't seem to focus on any one in particular- i just get lots of little bits and pieces.

dad accepted a job at a bank in chico today. he will start working there on july 15, exactly one month from today. while it is just a little bit longer commute, he is planning to rent an appt. there and come back only on the weekends. i now have the oppertunity to move with him and go to school in chico, or to stay here for another year. if the bank is still around in a year, the rest of the family will move then. i'm trying to figure out what to do about my classes. as happy and as well as i was doing last fall semester, spring was much harder for me. i could tell a couple months ago that i wasn't as up to par with my health, and that makes such a huge difference. now i have to fix two classes (my mistakes), and a records problem (the college's mistake). while each day is a little better than the next, my tounge is still pretty swollen from last week, and the minutes of fog are still lingering. i hate not knowing when something happens. or why. or how i can change it.

for a while i have been praying and fasting a lot about what i am supposed to do next- for me. i came up with lots of options that i had the impression were the sinarios were all "good", but it was a choice i'd have to make. about a month ago the thought came to transfer to chico state. this option came up during the middle of a conversation (with someone else and about a topic completely unrelated), but didn't think much about it. then this week dad approached me and told me about a bank in chico, and what they wanted him to do. i knew then that this was an answer to my prayer. i have a long road ahead of me, but this would allow somewhat of a fresh start, and definately a needed change. it, like any move, has it's immediate stresses- find a neuro, try a different treatment (or at least be heard), get a job, and an apartment, transfer transcripts and start classes at a new school.

i'm ready for one cohesive thought! and i wouldn't complain about more than three hours of sleep either.

unbelievable.

2010-06-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

it's been nine months since the last hospitalization. all has been really good, and i was pretty much off of any and everything. until yesterday. tj invited me to go shopping with her. we had a pretty good time, and she actually wanted my opinion about clothes. then i woke up to a nurse standing over me, asking for consent. at least that's what i thought they wanted. and then i was told that i had had two gran mal seizures- one in the mall, one in the er.

why? why did that have to happen now? tj and i are finally starting to get alone a tad bit, and i was finally making progress with my future. i guess the timing on my plans are off with the grand scheme of things. really though? now? ugg. i guess i'm just tired of being out of commission for a couple days after one. and the physical pain that comes with it, even 24 or 48 hours later. and the postponement of pretty much everything else.

2010-06-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

i love my parents. but at 19 i should be able to decide what i wear, right? my mother doesn't think so. and while i'm getting better about standing up to her, she knows when i'm having a harder day. it's on those days that she lays her comments and glaring on. she knows that i will collapse, that i am not as defiant as my sister. she knows that while i am my own person, there are times that i fall. i am working on it, i really am. but could she please lay off me? is she capable of letting me grow? 'cause with her stomping on any moves she doesn't whole heartedly support, i falter. i feel like i am back in the one step forward, three steps back phase. and i hate that.

enough already!

2010-06-03T02:15:00.000-07:00

spiders i can deal with. moths and mosquito eaters are fine too. but then we moved into town -which i would think would be away from some of the bugs. but no, then there were rats in the walls, centipedes in my room nightly, and then scorpions. now i'm getting crickets (which just jump so i can't catch them, and are loud), earwigs, and slugs too. had one that was a good 4 in. long tonight. why can't they just give me a break? i'm not sure i want to think about all the junk that has been layered onto the carpet...

happy trails

2010-05-31T21:55:00.001-07:00

today, or rather, in recent months i've been camera happy. i have a feeling that i am turning into polly because this morning on our hike i took- wait for it- 239 photos. tj was not happy, to say the least.

we went up to round mountain and "hiked" in order to fill one of joseph's cub scout

requirements. and everyone (excepting dad, who was working) actually came. it truly was a family affair.

joseph learned about camouflage

tracks (in the end he decided they were tj's foot and a wolf cub... aka our puppy)

and natural habitats.

i, on the other hand, loved my country back roads. and flowers. and pine trees. and the view.

things that i was not as enthusiastic about included the massive amounts of mosquitoes and poison oak. both of which are attracted to me, and i react strongly towards. needless to say, i'm quite itchy tonight.

tj's highlight was the geo rocks she found. she spent a good half hour hammering them out of larger rocks before we made her go. joseph's all time favorite part of today's outing, and every other, is the wind in his face as we drive.

it's just barely turning spring there!

2010-05-31T10:36:00.000-07:00

when was the term "snail mail" coined? i thought that it used to just be a joke. now it is all too closely related. and i just found out that Elder Woodward's first area is Alta Sierra... and all of his mail will go through his loving parents.

a man's job

2010-05-27T22:11:00.000-07:00

as i've been making ties for little boys, i was thinking about tying them. i've watched dad tie them many-a-time, but i've never tied one. i'm always hearing about mothers tying their son's ties... i wonder if i could figure it out. here are pics of my attempts, in order of trial.

(just ignore the triple chin.)

hmmm. not quite...

still not right.

it isn't sliding. what did i do wrong?

I asked dad what i did wrong, and he told me that it wasn't what i did, but that i was a girl. apparently there are still some things women aren't supposed to do. jk. i'll just have to ask someone else. and looking back, i think my first couple tries were the closest. but really, how do guys tie ties? oh right, they have mothers.

forget it

2010-05-25T22:47:00.000-07:00

forget moving.

forget transferring schools.

forget progress.

forget appointments.

forget school at all.

forget driving.

forget happiness.

forget doctors.

forget moving on.

forget traveling the world.

forget love.

forget getting better.

forget opportunity.

forget about me.

forget the past.

forget confidentiality.

forget health.

forget altruism.

forget phone calls.

forget responsibility.

forget schedules.

forget budgets.

forget plans.

forget equality.

forget reasons.

forget strength.

forget jobs.

forget family.

forget words.

forget calendars.

forget nutrition.

forget technology.

forget accomplishments.

forget morals.

forget cleaning.

forget awareness.

forget a past evening.

forget comparisons.

forget lessons.

forget payment.

forget needs.

forget letters.

forget emotions.

forget speech.

forget options.

forget designs.

forget fun.

forget it.

because i can't do it.

just forget it all.

immediate future

2010-05-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

granny is growing older. very quickly. dad has talked a lot about moving her in with someone. we are about the only choice right now. until i thought of myself. i know how self reliant grandma is, and how much she hates relying on anyone for anything. the possibility then came up that i could move in with her. i would still be in school and working, so i wouldn't be hovering over her all day long, but i'd be there in the evenings/mornings and would be readily available if she needed me. it would get me out of the house, though i would be close enough to help and still go to school and work. at the moment, this looks like the best option for everyone involved.

the down side to this is that grandma's is not within walking distance for me (i have papers in with the dmv, just waiting to hear back). 3 miles i can do, but not from one side of gv to nc. sorry all. i know you're disappointed in my lack of skills. so... this means that i am now shopping around. shopping for a reliable car that i can use around town, doesn't cost an arm and a leg to keep up and insure every month, and that grandma can get in and out of. big feat, isn't it? oh, and i'm open to anyone who wants to pitch in. aunt d is coming in a month and a half, to either move grandma in here, or me in with her.

what are your thoughts?

2010-05-12T20:12:00.000-07:00

I am so happy that the sun decided to make an all-day appearance today. then this evening, the lighting and shadows drew me in. i just couldn't resist.

One more day and two exams to go, then this semester will be done. I'm very much ready to be less-stressed again!

equations i can't type here

2010-05-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

i've been working on a bunch of things

that i can't figure out how to type here.

topics include

imaginary numbers i (not too bad, i caught on quickly)

natural base e (okay...)

rational inequalities (fine)

exponential functions (took some work)

composite and inverse functions (missed half of the lecture, but figured them out)

and a bit of catch up from a few weeks ago.

aaaaahhhhhh!

when will this be over?

2010-05-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

lots of car time today- 3 hours.

some waiting- 45 min.

my appointment- less than 5 min.

for a price, i got the right signature.

and i picked up some new violin

music while i was in a shopping area.

now... two weeks of school!

two finals this week, two next week

and i'll be done!

oh yea, i started a blog for my... er,

erratic tidbits.

i'm going to post my projects there

rather than here.

so go check it out.

busy, busy

2010-04-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

in the last couple weeks i haven't posted much. but i have stayed busy.

anna had a choir concert at Eskaton Village, and we tagged along.

my room went from this...

to this

i can see my felt now, though currently my room is somewhere in between.

joseph is growing up!

next week is full of birthdays for Beckett, Susie, and Marshall. happy birthday guys!

i am

2010-04-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

i'm

worn out, happy, cold and

running, tired all the time,

i'm

inside outside upright

downright ready to go on.

and sick of the snow that is gathering outside my window.

i know, i know. in a month i'll be complaining that

it's been too hot for too long. but really, i was just starting

to enjoy the sunshine when the weatherman had to turn grumpy.

oh, and did you know that along side the felt prophet

puppets there is a ninja puppet- complete with a felt sword- in the nursery?

while it's probably not church curriculum approved, i find that to be pretty awesome.

Guess Who?

2010-04-01T21:08:00.001-07:00

we just started emailing this week.

we haven't seen each other for 18 years (or more),

and neither of us remembers spending time together

though we have both heard stories

concerning our betrothment.

he is a day younger than me,

and he just received his mission call to the

English speaking Roseville Mission.

and even if he was a weird kid, he is hilarious now.

not sure if he's outgrown the weird part yet...

you must be related to me if you know who this is. :-)

(of course as I was typing that all i could think

of was the "you must be a redneck" jokes)

the Lord works in mysterious and sometimes odd ways.

fun at grandma's

2010-03-24T18:44:00.000-07:00

while polly is away and alma is diligently working,

their boys are staying with us

and enjoying every minute of grandma's time and energy.

and even though they are used to the rules here

and at home, both boys have fun pushing them.

and allowing grandma to spoil them.

but that's grandma's job anyway, right?

so... cookies for third and fourth breakfasts

coen decided that he wanted to listen to my violin lesson today. so instead of doing that, we had our own lesson/practice at home. he is so small compared to my violin!

"i like it. you do a good job, mika, but i play the drums. and my daddy's going to, and my mommy's getting some too. but not beckett. he gets to play the harmoca."

he was so intent i just had to laugh.

okay boys, give each other a hug so we can show mom and dad!

coen was a little more enthusiastic about the camera today.

my favorite quotes from today:

"chicago pulls on his leash too much. he's like a strong ox with a wagon." -coen

"i wove you!"- beckett

2010-03-23T20:23:00.000-07:00

i forgot how much i loved pigging out on bubba's bagels and cookies and cream candy bars with emily. yea, you're probably wondering why i miss it, because aside from those two activities that time of the month was not great, but i do. and it's a miracle that emily put up with me for so long!

counting. or attempting to.

2010-03-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

in a week of seven days, there are 168 hours.

in an average week i am

in class: 11

doing homework: 20-25

at work: 20

practicing violin: 5-8

at church &

completing church related jobs: 10

that is a 64-74 hour week.

and then there's weeks like the last two

in class: 11

doing homework: 30

at work: 20

practicing violin: 4

at church &

completing church jobs: 14

doctor appts. (not including travel time): 5

which puts me at an 84 hour week.

with travel it's closer to 86.

i know that when i really have a choice i don't want

to be working more than a 50 hour week.

to be fair (and compare with a 40 hour week) mine is closer to 50-55 hour week. i just don't happen to like the time that the extra stuff takes up...

and then i was thinking. in a normal week i'm getting about 40-45 hours of sleep.

which is good for me. but what about those 40-50 hours- where are they going? that's a whole 5-8 hours every day that are going unaccounted for. have you ever thought of that?

i just know that it's not enough unaccounted for time here.

ideal

2010-03-15T19:46:00.001-07:00

today was the ideal day.

not necessarily what i did

as i spent 8 hours of it working inside

-it's great to have a job. don't get me wrong-

but the outside world was fabulous.

it wasn't too warm, but sunny with blue skies.

the grass is green,

the daffodils are showing their heads.

it made me want to push past the pain

and go for a run.

a nice, long run through hills

and grass without any cares

with the sun shining down

and the wind in my face.

i'm just happy that today was not like last friday.

i'm glad that we're having a break from it being

cloudy with a chance of meatballs!

fallen

2010-03-13T15:10:00.000-08:00

i have fallen...

fallen to a lot of things, a lot of people over time.

i've fallen to things i can't change, now or ever.

but there are still a few tricks in my bag

and a few cards up my sleeve

that will keep me going.

and i've ditched the green for yellow.

i have fallen, but something must have been good.

'cause i am happy.

happy despite everything

happy despite everyone else.

happy despite the hardships that come and go.

this week through them all i have been blessed.

and i am happy...

whatever you want to call this.

2010-03-08T20:50:00.001-08:00

how, in the world, is it already a week into march?

here is a little to fill in a bit.

my date.

three couples (including me), all from our singles branch.

the guys all got together beforehand and

get this

they cooked all of the food, all on their own.

apparently it took close to four hours

but it turned out great!

lasagna with spinach and lots of herbs

homemade bread sticks- not the premade dough out of a can,

actually fresh homemade bread

salad- okay, they didn't grow the lettuce,

and blackberry pie al a mode.

and it was superb. the best lasagna i've had in a long time.

none of the guys told any of us girls what we were doing or where we were going.

we ended up at my date, Ben's, house (which gave him a total of 2 1/2 hours driving).

the guys had made the dining room nice- all red and "fancy".

they even made menus, with latin in all of the empty space.

it was really nice to see how excited they were

about serving, about the night, about us.

lots of talking, games, laughter until way too early, with church just a few hours away.

i love this group. and did i mention how good the lasagna was?

so that was a couple weeks ago. since then it's been a lot of school,

work, and school. with a little bit of crafting thrown in.

lots of felt flowers, becky's pic, and then i finished the first of my two jumpers.

i love the fabric, and it looks and feels great.

and then i couldn't do it all.

i couldn't write the letter,

i couldn't get all of my work done, i couldn't fulfill my calling.

those were minor setbacks and i felt fine, actually great

until this weekend. i don't know what hit me.

felt weak, got reports of activity, and my hip has been acting up again.

missed 2/3 of the lesson i was supposed to give

and was finally set apart for my calling.

yes, that was good.

one of my friends isn't talking to me,

and another is scheduled for surgery on the 19.

and an appointment i thought was scheduled 4 months ago, wasn't.

it'll be at least one more before i get in to see him.

and i missed the deadline for cal grant.

and another scholarship.

i'm behind in schoolwork.

trying to stay up with it, with everyone else.

it is hard.

not enough hours in the day, or strength in my body and mind.

i might cry, i might need a hug, and i might want some fro yo, but i'll keep going.

at least i'll keep breathing in and out, i'll keep opening my eyes.

2010-02-28T10:06:00.001-08:00

had a wonderful night. group date, fun time.

i'll post more later...

now it's off to the museum!

2010-02-26T10:27:00.000-08:00

every time i hear or say this, all i can think of is toy story 2, when all the toys are packaged and ready to go. that might be a clue that the movie is on way too much around here.

anyhoo, my pioneer embroidery (pics below) was accepted into a competition and will be displayed at the folsom history museum for two months. here is another site with more information specific to the competition and to california pioneers.

good, better, best

2010-02-25T00:46:00.000-08:00

there is always something to improve upon.

and today i can look forward rather than backwards.

with my Savior and Brother with me each step of the way

i will be fine. i will strive to live up to his example.

with Christ, i will do my best.

2010-02-19T20:56:00.000-08:00

i am falling apart tonight.

i didn't say it would be easy

2010-02-19T11:46:00.001-08:00

here is my most current project. i love embroidery and wanted to have some in this piece, but some lovely ladies, namely mique at thirty days and melissa at checkout girl, have convinced me to try applique. note that this was the first felt applique i have done, and i am now obsessed. ladies, thank you for adding one more craft to the hours of free time that i don't have. i thought it turned out okay. your thoughts?

as i have absolutely no time or energy right now, i hired someone else to stretch and frame it. i know, i broke one of the crafting rules. but hey, i found the frame for $2 at the thrift store. i love it, and i think that it makes up for the hire.

this is what it will look like in one week.

dress-ups

2010-02-19T08:57:00.000-08:00

last week

instead of doing homework like i needed to, anna and i played dress ups. she has a project for school and she is studying india. and she needed a costume. so thanks to my aunt's wonderful mother, surinder, she has not only one for her project, but one for mom, and two for me. not to mention the outfits that we already have. we had fun!

her outfit

my outfit. it's kinda scary that we can both fit it. it's a little big on anna, but still...

oh, why, blogger? why must you distort/change my pictures so?

the beading on these clothes is amazing. if you can appreciate any ounce of art or talent, take in these beads. amazing. This was another pair of shoes that came with the clothing. i fell in love at first sight, though apparently i wasn't cinderella that day. and to cover my back, i did warn anna about polly's obsession with red shoes. and sparkles.

busy body

2010-02-14T09:51:00.000-08:00

polly keeps telling me that alma has been inquiring as to my dating life, and all i could do is laugh. i watched the boys last night and alma drove me home. no sooner had we closed the car doors then the following sentence(s) came out- in one breath. "so, this boy you're dating. is he still around? he still has to go on his mission, right? how long until he leaves? tell me, 'cause polly won't."

i always thought that it was polly who had to know everything. apparently not.

high heels

2010-02-10T21:52:00.000-08:00

i love high heels. and women weren't totally crazy in making them.

in fact, i have had opportunities to use them in multiple ways today.

they were stylish at work and increased my height

(so i was towering over everyone at work, who are already shorter than i)

and have the capability of acting as a weapon. towards the computer. and fafsa sites.

i really do appreciate the financial aid when it comes,

and it isn't really a hard or complicated form to fill out anyway.

but in the last week i have managed to fill it out on two different websites

who both wanted money at the end- what happened to the "free" part?-

to fail in hitting the "save" button on two (on the correct site),

and then the last the government page kept saying that i wasn't in their system.

count it up, that's 5 attempts. 4 too many.

and i still have to finnish the most recent one i started

which did get saved on the right website.

i guess i wasn't meant to be filling the form out today...

and i was sorely tempted to use my heels on the computers.

all of them. heels, pointy toes, and computers.

now back to studying. great fun.

anna

2010-02-04T19:52:00.000-08:00

anna is 12. today.

she is officially a young woman

and will be attending both the class

third hour of church

and girls camp this year.

and when did she grow up?

i look at her and can't help but think

how much she has grown and changed.

happy birthday girl!

2010-02-04T17:18:00.000-08:00

where is that silly paper telling me i can drive?

i need it!

2010-02-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

i want to talk to my sisters, not a clinical stranger.

i want to hang out. i want to forget all my worries.

i want to forget all time. i want to forgive myself.

i want to enjoy the warm water running down my face.

i want to appreciate the smoothness of the bow as

it curves over strings pulled taut and as the dampers make

contact with even larger strings.

i want to delegate. i want to ask questions.

i want to allow others to help. i want to be healthy.

i want to remember. i want to sew and create.

i need to want, i need to allow myself to want. i need to allow

myself to carry out some of my wants, not the wants of others. i need to

listen to my body, and what it wants. i need to respect my desires.

i know that i need this, and yet it is so hard for me to get past this.

i know that in order for me to keep going i need to work on this.

i need to face the facts of what i am dealing with and accept it.

i know all of that. i even know what i want, and most of the time

when i need to stop going. but this week has been hard to do just that.

hard to follow through with myself.

2010-02-01T06:25:00.000-08:00

why must the internet be so slow and almost non existent?

and just when i absolutely have to get work done?

last week

2010-02-01T05:34:00.001-08:00

highlights from last week:

ben and jerry's cherry garcia frozen yogurt

dancing in the kitchen

violin

not so fun highlights:

missing hours of time

i've had a hard time finishing anything.

started a lot, but can't seem to complete any.

not able to tell when i'm done so

i tried to do too much.

but it's monday today.

another week ahead,

so i'll try again.

siblings

2010-01-28T19:04:00.000-08:00

i am perturbed with my siblings.

perturbed with all that they get away with,

with all that they don't do.

i need to get out of here!

lost

2010-01-25T21:31:00.000-08:00

has anyone seen me recently?

i think i might be lost in the jungle of my life.

i've been having lots of long, stressful days.

while i like the pace and am doing better than a year ago,

i'm still not myself.

still not one hundred percent

still not completely here.

and that is hard for me.

hard for me to allow myself

to go back and admit that i've missed something

in a class, in a conversation.

it's hard for me to stop when i need to,

to tell others, to tell myself

when i have reached enough.

i am better about realizing when i am there

but i am am still having trouble giving it any thought.

how can i reach a level place?

when will i reach a level place?

'cause i really need to.

i know that much.

love

2010-01-16T08:49:00.000-08:00

Nat King Cole put it this way

L is for the way you look at me

O is for the only I see

V is very, very extraordinary

E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you

Love is more than just a game for two

Two in love can make it

Take my heart and please don't break it

Love was made for me and you

kids and their words

2010-01-07T00:02:00.000-08:00

this past week i have been visiting one of my older sisters and have loved it. fabric shopping, cleaning, fumigated fires, adorable patterns (and amy butler material which add up to new dresses), late nights talking, walking, romanic comedies, photography, bouncing ideas. in short, i love spending time with bb. the kids are adorable and getting cuter, and have the sarcasm and wits of their parents. this morning i was folding some of the amy butler material and the four year old stopped playing to watch me.

"what are you doing with that?"

"i'm folding it so that i can make a dress later. do you want to help me?"

"um, let me think about it. i'm pausing to think about it. now i'm done thinking and aunt mika, i don't think i'm going to be inclined to help you with that project just anytime today."

kids. where do they come up with this stuff?

new year

2010-01-03T16:29:00.000-08:00

as each year rolls around the common topic includes goals, resolutions. plans for the future, dreams. i have done much better the last few months and i don't want that to change. so here are mine.

-finish all of the miscellaneous craft projects i have lying around. between the rag strips, felt, scrapbook paper, and other junk lying around, i can't take everything with me. while i'll continue to play with some of these, i can temporarily put aside others. personally, i'd feel better doing this if i finish the projects that i've started.

-sew curtains for my room. yea another craft-like project, but i want to really make my space mine.

-donate to DI or another organization like it every six months. It doesn't have to be much but i know there are things that i ignore or don't use for that time period. if it can sit on a hanger or in a box for six months then i don't need it. and this will force me to go through some of my stuff.

-transfer to BYU provo. at least get my transfer info and papers in by 12/2010.

-visit both sisters (bb and susie) at quarterly. doesn't matter who goes where, but we don't see each other nearly enough. watch out cause here i come!

but most importantly,

-continue taking care of myself. keep the schedule that i have including the activity for me. keep reminding myself that i am my own person, not to be confused with the mess of family.

and a side note... with the new year comes a new calling for me!

overwhelming urge

2009-12-29T10:41:00.001-08:00

i have an overwhelming urge to turn everything multiple shades of olive green.

and to make everything dog related disappear. the likelihood of my sister bringing home a puppy within the next few hours is very high. i like dogs in general. can't really explain why i'm so against this one.

i have an overwhelming urge to die my hair with hot pink highlights.

and to live in africa for a year.

i have an overwhelming urge to go skydiving with an olive green parachute.

and to hide in my bed all day.

the last 3 months

2009-12-29T01:25:00.000-08:00

okay. while i'm not posting pictures of everything, here are some bits and pieces of the last few months... and some crafts included in that time frame. none of my pictures give anything justice. just imagine how much better the real thing is.

firstly, merry Christmas!

it's a real live tree! well, was alive at one point. and then we went into the long discussion of how the plastic tree was really living at one point too.

mom's stocking contents included veggies... and earplugs... and more veggies!

dad said that his "hard work of raising" us girls has finally paid off. the present ratio parent to child was 5:1 this year. he was in heaven.

this came from some felt and ideas from a wonderful lady

of course presents came about... cake and sushi to name a few. i think i might have gone a little bit crazy with the projects this month. just possibly.

velcrow included so luke and charlie can cut their own piece.

I am the queen of collecting embroidery floss.

maybe even the empress of the embroidery universe.

and out of a handful of this floss came one of my personal favorites. mostly cause it took so much time, and i love her hair. just a bunch of knots but i love the way it turned out.

ok guys, there was your craft post. happy now?

final grades

2009-12-27T10:09:00.000-08:00

so considering all that i put on my plate for this past semester, i'm pretty happy. it's not a 4.0, but i'm still passing with a 3.53 gpa. between grades and the violin rental i received for Christmas, i'm pretty close to cloud nine.

to post or not to post

2009-12-10T23:38:00.000-08:00

craft pictures.

do i post them now or

work forbid

wait until the morning

so i can get better pictures?

and torture you?

the gods must be crazy

2009-12-10T23:23:00.000-08:00

well, we know the gods must be crazy. that is why we were in danger of falling icicles, some up to 2 1/2 feet long and 3 in. circumference, the last 4 days. every time joseph sees them on the roof he yells "duck, they're gonna shoot!" and runs into the house. if you're not right behind him, he'll run back out- with his arms covering his head, and grab you. they really could be dangerous.

and i must be crazy too. last night i dreamt that my friend-that-is-a-boy and i were at his home. cuddling, playing games with his family, just hanging out. i woke up thinking, "he just keeps playing with my hair. why is it so interesting today? oh well, at least he hasn't taken away my cuddles. i do like it when he plays with it, that just doesn't happen often and not around his family. is he thinking of doing something stupid?"

yep, i must be crazy too. no other way that i can find around this...

really though, i wonder what prompted this dream. have i been unconsciously, okay- somewhat consciously, daydreaming?

2009-12-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

and for you sick, love-deprived

sisters who are counting

we've had 2 dates.

(the second date was set up)

and a seat next to me

-all church meetings, every week.

i think it's his way of saying that he is

at least intrigued by me

if not completely blown away.

just a thought

2009-12-03T23:37:00.000-08:00

just a measly thought that happened to squeeze it's way into my feelings

this evening while i was trying to plan out my schedule for the next month

and figure out what i'm doing;

when i need to get off work, when to travel, and other crazy stuff like that.

note- planning even the day of rarely happens anymore.

i have become so unorganized the last two years it isn't funny.

actually, compared to my sisters it can be...

anyhoo i'm babbling now.

i thought about all my family who i haven't seen in years

and how unpredictable life is. and how easy

and irresponsible it would be for me to take off and fly to michigan for the holidays.

or take the train and introduce myself to JJ and remind Cody who I am

and spend a solitary week playing in the snow with my best friend emily.

and then i broke down.

because all i really want to do is

to cuddle up under a big warm blanket

with some hot cider,

a good book,

and my boy.

okay, the boy i am

infatuated with.

just the two of us.

recap

2009-12-03T12:48:00.001-08:00

i know i've been mia for a little bit. get over it.

joseph was sick during thanksgiving so we ended up staying home.

laying around in pj's was appreciated by all, and we had some fun times.

highlights included food, duh, the cribbage tournament, and "the war".

homemade cranberry bread, rolls,

green bean casserole, granny's carrot salad...

no, that is not turkey. we were planning on going

elsewhere for the main meal, and my mother GAVE AWAY

our turkey the day before. so no, no turkey.